The last few days hes seemed to have more anxiety when I got home. He didn't seem to want to end snuggling and followed me around meowing for a while. So, I though, maybe he's becoming bored all day! So, I started playing with him longer. Everyday, we play with those wands with cloth or something attached to it for the cat to try to catch and pounce on. He runs around the whole apartment! I throw little mice beanies for him to tackle and we end with pretty vigorous scratch and message sessions. I take care of him like he's a life I love, because he is. He is my pet companion and I am his person one. To me, a companion is someone who will try to listen for what I truly need and support me in finding it. And I try to be that as a companion.
Today, he seemed like he wanted to run around again and we did for a while. And then I just wanted to sit. Lay down. I've been sad. Which isn't a bad thing - people hear sad and say, oh I'm so sorry but sadness has it's place. A mentor of mine once said allowing yourself to really feel sadness, to really sit in it, can allow you to experience a kind of dignity. A kind of acceptance that feels supportive and meaningful.
The last few days have been full of emotion - all kinds. Emotion that has helped me move forward. Not all bad but it has been challenging and exhausting at times. He followed me into the room - meowing, pacing back and forth. I thought it was because he wanted to play more. I said, maybe later as I sat down on my bed, checking my phone and pulling up a show on my ipad.
As I looked down at him, playing by my feet, I realized, he didn't want to run around. He wanted to snuggle. Sometimes, I lay on my bed and he lays on my chest, like a baby. So, I put down my phone and my ipad and let him crawl into his baby position. While he was snuggling into me, I looked at him, his little eyes closed, purring. He was just happy laying there, snuggling. If felt like, showing me he loved me. And for a moment, I thought, I wonder if he's sensed me struggling. Sensed me sad. And he thought, and felt, let me love you.
I realized, maybe it wasn't him who needed the extra attention the last few days, Maybe it was me. And maybe it was him, sensing I needed to snuggle and feel close to something I loved.