Saturday, March 7, 2015

Upside Down, Moving Forward

I was writing a moment ago and realized that I was writing upside down in my journal.  Not in type but that the journal, that is hard to tell which direction was upright and what isn't, was upside down. Which is funny to me, as life feels like it's been turned upside down.  Here I am, outside D.C....just made the big move.  To a new state, looking to grow into different career field and living in the living room of my brother's apartment.  Something I am so grateful for but also has it's constraints.  I've always been particular about space, schedule and all that.  I am sitting here, at a pub, writing.  I am going to jump in, to something!  A novel maybe?  Creative fiction? A collection of poems?!?! I don't know yet..but I'm diving. And I thought about "warming up" which is really just my way of holding onto those last few seconds before diving, just that much longer.

In looking at posts I've half-written or just saved, I came across this post I wrote, I don't know...maybe four or five months ago and never published.  It fits.  Well.  I called it: "After I learned to listen deeper."

And maybe that's what I need right now. No stories about the choices I've made but living in now....not in the past where I decided to up and move or the future full of unknowns...but listening deeper, now.

I am also soothed, reading about an experience I had that I didn't know where I was going.  That I couldn't see...but kept moving forward because I could still feel. Here it is:

After I learned to listen deeper:

Closing my eyes, I saw, through my left eye at first, in tube-like vision, a wide open field of wheat with the sun shining bright.  In the distance there were Mountains but this place was huge.  Filled with space and sunlight.  I was flying through the tunnel of vision, getting closer through to the field, at the end of the tunnel.  When I reached the end and was out in the open air above the field, I saw with both eyes.  It was as if I was looking through a lens with just my left eye. 

In the field, I touched down.  Tall grass was everywhere and I started walking.  I was walking with my heart and although I could see, all I could see was tall grass.  But I could feel.  I walked like I already knew the place.  Like my feet were on a path, a running path and knew when to turn and where.  I was expecting to come, almost by surprise to my head because my eyes felt like they were just along for the ride.  I didn’t know where I was going but I knew there would be a lot of open water somehow.

Out of nowhere I turn and am on a rock cliff very high, looking down at huge waves cascading against a long beach.  The beach is narrow with stone cliffs behind it and the ocean is very wide, very big. 

There is a sense of comfort, security, joy that just fills this place, from everywhere.  On the field, now here in this space, everything is still huge and it’s awe-inspiring.  There is a majesty about it. 
I look down and I see people – people are in the water.  Living.  This is where they live it seems.  They are masters at navigating and working with the waves.  It is beautiful and empowers me to see it. 
All of a sudden, I take a running jump off the cliff and soar down to the beach.  I land, unhurt because here, my body can do that.  It feels ageless and limitless in ability.

I am down on the beach and it is misty but sunny.  I cannot see too far in front of me but I notice light coming from my palms and head and looking down I see lines of light, of strength it feels like shooting through my heart.  From behind, in front, on the sides.  Everywhere.  And I can feel them connected to others.  I can feel energy surging through me.  Of support.  Strength.  Strengthening bonds that invigorate and empower me.  I feel connect.  Loved.  Supported.
 

I feel the urge to speak.  My voice warms and after a few sounds, I say, I am here.  Not quiet, not loud.  I am present in this space.  I am back it feels like.  It feels like I am affirming I have returned and I am here.  They are returning the affirmation that they are there.  I see a swirling network of connection of people coming on at different moments, each being as connected and supported and love.  Looking beyond at more of the network I feel love and strength from everywhere.  I am full of it all.