Saturday, January 11, 2014

Re-Memory

Just wrote this as a monologue for a play I am working on about childhood sexual molestation.  This would be for a scene with the main character when she has been retriggered (meaning something brought her back to a memory of the trauma):

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Laying here, I rest.  Re-memory had takes over.  I visit a time, a place, a feeling that had been lost to me, for years.  Unknown until today.  Sharp pain.

My head falls back, into that moment.

Laying here, I feel.  Not by choice,.  No, my long lost feelings resurface.  My fingers grip the blankets.

Then.  It’s blurry, my vision.  Things come in and out of focus.  Could I even see?  I don’t know.  But I can feel.  Sharp pain, like knives: pierce.  Is it real?  Is this just a bad dream?

Stuck in position, not wanting to move, afraid of how it would feel.  I lay.  Pinned down by re-memory.  I can’t hear myself breathe.  My lips, pursed.

But I’m not there anymore.  I am here.  In this body. Adult body.   Alone.

So why can’t I move?  Move!

I don’t feel alone.  I don’t feel adult. 

I feel it.  I feel it in me.  Sitting.  Bringing me back.  To the time I could not move.  To the time of the sharp, sharp pain. 

Scared I lay.  Scared I feel.  Because I have to.  Scared. I am -   

Fuzzy starts to focus.  Please don’t.  Take me back.  Move.  Please. 

I am drugged.  I smell of cough syrup.  My little legs dangle. 

Until they don’t dangle anymore. 

Pushing through my feet, I struggle.  Terrified, no breath. 

I am not strong enough.  

I look for help but it’s dark.  I know it’s not coming.  I am cornered.  Onto the bed.  All of my neck muscles reach up, trying to pull, up.  Pushed down, I fight.

No, no-no-no-no-no.

I am not here.  Take me back.  Move!

But I can’t.  My big body feels little.  My legs, that run miles, feel flimsy. 

Overpowered by the moment, overpowered by him, I sink into bed.  Eyes darting, reaching out for a buoy.  Don’t sink me again. 

Am I strong enough now?

He is inside me.  Little me.  Tiny body me.  I didn’t even know you could be inside someone.  But I know now.  I know fast and hard.  I know sharp.  I know pain. 


Sharp pain. 

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