Laying here, I rest. Re-memory had takes over. I visit a time, a place, a feeling that had been lost to me, for years. Unknown until today. Sharp pain.
My head falls back, into that moment.
Laying here, I feel. Not by choice,. No, my long lost feelings resurface. My fingers grip the blankets.
Then. It’s blurry, my vision. Things come in and out of focus. Could I even see? I don’t know. But I can feel. Sharp pain, like knives: pierce. Is it real? Is this just a bad dream?
Stuck in position, not wanting to move, afraid of how it would feel. I lay. Pinned down by re-memory. I can’t hear myself breathe. My lips, pursed.
But I’m not there anymore. I am here. In this body. Adult body. Alone.
So why can’t I move? Move!
I don’t feel alone. I don’t feel adult.
I feel it. I feel it in me. Sitting. Bringing me back. To the time I could not move. To the time of the sharp, sharp pain.
Scared I lay. Scared I feel. Because I have to. Scared. I am -
Fuzzy starts to focus. Please don’t. Take me back. Move. Please.
I am drugged. I smell of cough syrup. My little legs dangle.
Until they don’t dangle anymore.
Pushing through my feet, I struggle. Terrified, no breath.
I am not strong enough.
I look for help but it’s dark. I know it’s not coming. I am cornered. Onto the bed. All of my neck muscles reach up, trying to pull, up. Pushed down, I fight.
I am not here. Take me back. Move!
But I can’t. My big body feels little. My legs, that run miles, feel flimsy.
Overpowered by the moment, overpowered by him, I sink into bed. Eyes darting, reaching out for a buoy. Don’t sink me again.
Am I strong enough now?
He is inside me. Little me. Tiny body me. I didn’t even know you could be inside someone. But I know now. I know fast and hard. I know sharp. I know pain.