Friday, October 25, 2013

Open Channel

My personal journey with life, the part of my life journey that is all internal, when boiled down, is really about about peeling back the layers of fear and doubt I place on myself.  With each new uncovering, each opening,...I feel more space open up inside me. I like to stretch and dance and jump and move and so with each new expansion of space, I feel freer. 

A few weekends ago I feel like I created a new channel of connected space to hear from.  That's what has been the most useful self-reflection quality I have cultivated over the years struggling with depression, PTSD and other things.  I don't think you can ever listen to yourself too much.  You can listen to your desires, your pain, your fear even your happiness too much but if you are truly listening to yourself, the base of which those emotions flow from, you will always have something to listen to, something to work on, something to hear. Listening to yourself is like growing a fruit bearing tree.  You grow from the seeds of personal truth branches that bear bite sized pieces of universal wisdom fruit.  And the thing about this wisdom is that it is not something you know with your head, but with something else that when it speaks and you hear, feel or know know it as truth.  For you.  Undeniable. 

I am sitting outside my apartment and even though the street is full with many houses, for the first time I see the different heights of the trees, the varied array of leaf colors and the sun bounce off and speak to life.  It's that dusky/early light that light you think could be 5am or 5pm. I feel it.  This connection.  I feel it resting in me like a cat purring in your lap.  I feel comforted, by the person who knows me best - me. 

A few weekends ago, I recognized a part of me that had been in pain, frozen, for a long time.  I acknowledged that yes, that happened.  Yes.  It is sad.  Yes.  It hurts.  It stings actually, deep.  It stings because you don't see it with little girl, confused eyes, you see it with adult eyes that know things.  You feel the pain of the experience but also the pain of knowing you were so little.  
 
But you know what?  When I was done recognizing, acknowledging, crying.  I felt a light open up inside me - an open channel and I felt more whole. 

This channel, is freeing.  It's like open arms.  Light.  There is still darkness.  But the darkness and the light are not pitted against one another anymore like they used to be in my head.  Darkness is not preferred but is a part of the world.  Where there is light, there are shadows.  But in a beautiful way the light creates the shadow and the shadow defines the light.  It is as if they work together to exist. 

And I think, that the best way to work together to exist, shadow, light or you and me is to know yourself and love yourself first.  Open channels.  Listening.  Love. 

Saturday, October 12, 2013

I'm Back

I haven't been writing much.  Or at all.  In the middle of, possibly the end of, a spiritual "block" of sorts when it came to writing.  Was dealing with root issues and just was feeling inward.  Not open. 

Today something happened.  I had craniosacral work done, which is a lot of things but I was worked on by someone who views it more as a spiritual journey and conversation the patient has with him or herself.  Just what I needed.  I needed to get to the blocks on my spiritual roadway.  I was feeling stunted and isolated from movement. 

I am ready to write again.  It's not going to be warm and fuzzy guys.  We are entering into dark territory.  There won't be any monsters, anything exterior to be afraid of.  The scariest parts of the world are those parts that we hide from ourselves.  The truths of who we are, in part, that we do not accept.  That is where I am going.  I am on an expedition.  I am climbing a mountain and it's not a day hike.  It's a life-hike.  I am looking to discover, unearth, set free and above all, accept...me. 

The parts of me I show others, I show you, are likeable parts.  That's what we all do.  That's what we try to fake ourselves into thinking - that we are only the "good" parts. 

Today, I faced some not-so-good parts.  I faced some memories.  Some moments of vulnerability.  Some fear.  Some pain.  And I wanted to shove it away.  I wanted to run in the other direction.  I wanted to say no, I am peace, love and light.  And I am.  But I am also pain and vulnerability and loss. 

And I have lost. 

I lost my childhood in a lot of ways.  Almost all of it.  When you are sexually active from 3-8 and again from 13 onward...you don't feel too much like a kid.  Ever.  And being naive, innocent, young for me as a child was scary.  When I was those things I was abused.  When I was tough and adult-ish I was safe. 

I was little today. During this therapy session.  I was a little girl again and I was scared shitless. Being young, being little to me is scary.  It's not carefree and fun.  It's hell.  It's paralyzing.  I was paralyzed. 

But you know what?  I felt it.  I was there.  I remembered.  And I got through it. 

Recovery is that.  Healing is that.  It is not glossing over the bad, the pain, the wound.  It's looking that scary monster of yourself that is the pain, the anger, the loss in the eye and saying - show me you.  Be you.  Be scared. Be angry. Feel loss.  Feel pain.  And I will still love you.  I will still be standing right here.  Or laying here.  Or whatever, but here.  It's letting that wound rage.  Letting it flare until it's out of breath and it collapses into a pile of tears. 

I cried today.  Quietly.  I cried for the innocence I lost.  I cried for the injustice.  But mostly I cried because the little girl inside me that was abused was alone.  She was small and alone and I cry so she knows someone knows.  I cry and she breathes deeper.  I cry and she feels connected. 

I am working on her.  I am working on me.  I am not yet ready to get close to anyone emotionally (i.e. romantic relationship wise).  I am used to having someone to talk to every day.  Someone to share with.  Someone to experience life with intimately.  It's hard not be with someone but when I look at the part of me that was abused I realize I need a lot of space, love and support from myself right now and don't have much to give to someone else in a relationship.  I keep reminding myself of this because all I want to do is curl up in someone else's loving arms and forget.  But it's not time to forget. 

It's time to remember. 

It's time to accept.

And it's time to love.  Me.

Deep breath in.  Let's go.