Friday, October 25, 2013

Open Channel

My personal journey with life, the part of my life journey that is all internal, when boiled down, is really about about peeling back the layers of fear and doubt I place on myself.  With each new uncovering, each opening,...I feel more space open up inside me. I like to stretch and dance and jump and move and so with each new expansion of space, I feel freer. 

A few weekends ago I feel like I created a new channel of connected space to hear from.  That's what has been the most useful self-reflection quality I have cultivated over the years struggling with depression, PTSD and other things.  I don't think you can ever listen to yourself too much.  You can listen to your desires, your pain, your fear even your happiness too much but if you are truly listening to yourself, the base of which those emotions flow from, you will always have something to listen to, something to work on, something to hear. Listening to yourself is like growing a fruit bearing tree.  You grow from the seeds of personal truth branches that bear bite sized pieces of universal wisdom fruit.  And the thing about this wisdom is that it is not something you know with your head, but with something else that when it speaks and you hear, feel or know know it as truth.  For you.  Undeniable. 

I am sitting outside my apartment and even though the street is full with many houses, for the first time I see the different heights of the trees, the varied array of leaf colors and the sun bounce off and speak to life.  It's that dusky/early light that light you think could be 5am or 5pm. I feel it.  This connection.  I feel it resting in me like a cat purring in your lap.  I feel comforted, by the person who knows me best - me. 

A few weekends ago, I recognized a part of me that had been in pain, frozen, for a long time.  I acknowledged that yes, that happened.  Yes.  It is sad.  Yes.  It hurts.  It stings actually, deep.  It stings because you don't see it with little girl, confused eyes, you see it with adult eyes that know things.  You feel the pain of the experience but also the pain of knowing you were so little.  
 
But you know what?  When I was done recognizing, acknowledging, crying.  I felt a light open up inside me - an open channel and I felt more whole. 

This channel, is freeing.  It's like open arms.  Light.  There is still darkness.  But the darkness and the light are not pitted against one another anymore like they used to be in my head.  Darkness is not preferred but is a part of the world.  Where there is light, there are shadows.  But in a beautiful way the light creates the shadow and the shadow defines the light.  It is as if they work together to exist. 

And I think, that the best way to work together to exist, shadow, light or you and me is to know yourself and love yourself first.  Open channels.  Listening.  Love. 

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