Thursday, July 11, 2013

At Knife Point

For years, a little girl lived naked
bunched down in hiding
still
and exposed

Something happened a long time ago
She doesn't talk so no one knows

stuck in fear
in memory
she didn't grow

Hiding her body
only behind what she could create
her arms wrapped around her knees
close

She sat there, in the open
not behind a wall
or even the crumbling fa├žade
of anything
that once was

On the ground
covered in dirt

After years and years of silence
she didn't want for anything

not for food
not for water

she'd forgotten

how to speak

what she once was, erased
after years of nothing
except darkness and fear

forgotten

Something happened a long time ago
She doesn't talk so no one knows

stuck in fear
in memory
she didn't grow

she never looked up, she never looked back
staring at the ground
in dirt and silence
shadows of the outside world
crossed over

Seeing the shadows,
she sometimes remembered
light
as it flickered away

She had been hiding
for so long
wrapping her arms
around her little knees

did she know how, to let go?

She was tucked away, lost to me
lost to the world
alone and forgotten

Something happened a long time ago
She doesn't talk so no one knows

Locked away
in a room
that was always dark

It started as protection
so long ago

because she was so hurt,
so violated

I didn't know
how to heal her

the more I tried
the more I cried

I felt alone

no one understood

we were both so little
she felt so much

I tried to be her mom
but I was just a girl little myself
trying to move forward
and life is fast

I tried to hold her
but I didn't know how to hold such pain
how to not let it consume
all I was

I didn't know how to let her feel

so I locked her away

too little to know

....

Time passed


....

Something happened a long time ago
She doesn't talk so no one knows

....

part of me kept growing


learning how to be


without her


she was stuck.


time stood stale

shadows passing by


But in a moment
something happened

after years of nothing

I saw her
on the ground

in the dirt

her nakedness
- how small she was
- how scared
- how empty
- how sad

I fell to my knees, crying

Touching the ground
I saw her

knees bunched up
knees to the ground

dirty and still

after 20 years

Something happened a long time ago
She doesn't talk so no one knows

There she was

the first me
the littlest me

Hiding in fear.
Stuck and alone.

all of a sudden, I saw

and she wasn't alone
I was with her

but not just me

I saw her surrounded
by angry people

They weren't touching her

but someone had

a long time ago
they touched her
in places connected
to her deepest self
her deepest part

the source of all that is

Something happened a long time ago
She doesn't talk so no one knows

stuck in fear
in memory
she didn't grow

I saw the people around her, angry
with pitchforks and knives
daggers
and sharp things

angry, so angry at her
little her,
dirty and still

They wanted to hurt her
kill her
see her blood
- this was her life
surrounded in pain, in fear
forgotten
not moving
dirty and still

My 25 year old heart - dropped

like my knees to the ground
in pain
in loss
in sadness

Something happened a long time ago.
She doesn't talk so no one knows.

stuck in fear
in memory
she didn't grow

I came to her through someone else

I had forgotten

she was even there.

A message from a woman
I hadn't heard from
in decades
a woman who was once a girl

who I had known

The woman was struggling
and writing to connect

a childhood friend from long ago

She was honest and open
sad and angry
feeling lost and alone

Reading her words, I fell to my knees
crying

I felt her sadness
her anger
I felt her loss

my heart stirred
taking me back

to the locked room
and my naked girl

stuck in fear and silence

Seeing her, my little me
for the first time in so long
moved.

bones and muscles, ancient

something stirred from deep down
from connecting with my childhood friend

the me locked away,
scared and naked in the dirt
remembered movement
that began in my heart

it spread to my body

a reminder that although hurt, I had once moved

that I had felt things

not so sad

not so dark

not so scary

In a flash I saw everything and knew everything from before

In a flash, it came back

the pain, the sadness, the loss and the fear

Knees to the ground, I wept

Something happened a long time ago
But now she talks and people know

a long time ago
someone touched her

in places connected
to her deepest self

Looking up, I was surrounded by pitchforks and knives and daggers

And I moved.

for the first time
in 20 years.

I saw my history and my present, all in one moment.

Something happened a long time ago.
I never talked, so no one knew.

stuck in fear
in memory

I didn't grow

But on that day, I moved.

seeing them
the people around me
the pitchforks
and the daggers

I saw her see them
screaming and angry

from my heart, I spoke

in a language of strength and sorrow.

I had been carrying her, all along
her sadness
her fear
her loss

dirty and still
and now, I saw her

dirty and still

I moved

dirty and still
I was reminded

that we were always one.

Through her cries, she opened
Through my cries, I embraced her.

our cries
washing away the dirt.
washing away the still
to make room

for the light
to blast away the shadows

to move.

to open.

I offered my heart in my hand

amid the chaos
amid the fear
amid the pain
amid the loss

and she took it.

Walking away, hand in heart, heart in hand
we haven't let go.

remembering the years she was locked away
never again will she be alone.

she is me.
and I am her.

we were always one.

And this is how it began
the beginning of the journey
in finding our way back.

to each other.

to embracing the parts of ourselves in pain
in sadness
in fear
in loss

heart in hand, we walk, each day
growing deeper
step in step

toward an understanding of wholeness

that started through facing
pain
and fear
in the heart.




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