Thursday, July 11, 2013

At Knife Point

This is what started this blog. The beginning of this journey.

-------------
For years, a little girl lived naked
bunched down in hiding
still
and exposed

Something happened a long time ago
She doesn't talk so no one knows
stuck in fear
in memory
she didn't grow

Hiding her body
only behind what she could create
with her arms wrapped around her knees
close
naked

She was there, in the open
not behind a wall
or even the crumbling facade of anything
that once was

On an open ground
full of dirt

After years, she didn't want for anything
not for food
not for water

she'd forgotten how to speak

what was once was, erased
after years of nothing
except darkness and fear

forgotten

Something happened a long time ago
She doesn't talk so no one knows
stuck in fear
in memory
she didn't grow

she never looked up, she never looked back
staring at the ground
in dirt and silence
shadows of the outside world
crossed her over

Seeing the shadows,
she sometimes remembered light
even if faintly
as it flickered away

She had been holding on
so long
wrapping her arms
around her little knees

did she know how, to let go

She was tucked away, lost to me
Locked away in a room
in my heart
a room always dark

It started as protection
she was so hurt, violated
and I didn't know how to heal her

the more I tried
the more I cried

I felt alone

no one understood

we were both little then
she felt so much

I tried to be her mom
but I was just a girl
little myself
trying to move forward
because life is fast

I tried to hold her
but I didn't know how to hold such pain
how to not let it consume
me

We were so little
I didn't know how to let her feel

how to make her feel better

and it hurt

so I locked her away

too little to know

I thought I was protecting her
protecting me

by shutting her out
by locking me away

me

the little me
the hurt me
the scared me

Time passed
part of me kept growing
learning how to be

without her

she was stuck
time stood stale
shadows passing her by

But then -

something happened

In a moment
I saw her

something took me back to her
to the ground
the dirt

her nakedness
- how small she was
- how scared
- how empty

I fell to my knees, crying

On my knees, I felt the ground

Touching the ground
I saw her

knees bunched up
knees to the ground

dirty and still

20 years.

There she was

the first me
the little me
the me most connected
to what came before
most open
most new

Hiding in fear. Stuck and alone

but also, all of a sudden
knees to the ground

I saw her surrounded
by angry people

They weren't touching her
but someone had

a long time ago
touched her
in places connected
to her deepest self
her deepest part
her source

Something happened a long time ago
She doesn't talk so no one knows
stuck in fear
in memory
she didn't grow

I saw the people around her, angry
with pitchforks and knives
daggers
and sharp things

angry, so angry at her
little her,
dirty and still

They wanted to hurt her
kill her
see blood
- this was her life
surrounded in pain, in fear
she had succumbed to it
forgotten
not moving
dirty and still

My 25 year old heart - dropped

like my knees to the ground
in pain
in loss
in sadness

Something happened a long time ago.
She doesn't talk so no one knows.
stuck in fear
in memory
she didn't grow

I came to her through someone else
I had forgotten
she was even there

A message from a woman I hadn't heard from
in decades
a woman who was once a girl

who I had known

A message from once upon a time
from this girl
who my little girl
dirty and still
used to know

The woman was struggling
and writing to connect
a childhood friend from long ago

She was honest and open
sad and angry
feeling lost and alone

Reading her words, I fell to my knees
crying

I felt her sadness
her anger
I felt her loss

my heart stirred
taking me back
to the locked room
and the naked girl

stuck in fear and silence

Seeing her, my little me
for the first time in so long

she moved
I moved

bones and muscles, ancient
motion from stillness

something was stirring from deep, deep down
a memory of movement
that began in her heart

began to spread into her body

a reminder that she had once moved

that her heart had once been full

of things not so static

not so dark

not so scary

In a flash I saw everything and knew everything from before

In a flash, it came back
Knees to the ground, I wept

a long time ago
someone touched her
in places connected
to her deepest self
her deepest part
her source

She was surrounded by pitchforks and knives and daggers

But she moved.

for the first ime
in 20 years

I saw our history and our present all in one moment

Something happened a long time ago.

She doesn't talk so no one knows.

stuck in fear
in memory

she didn't grow

But she moved.

seeing them
the people around her
the pitchforks -
the daggers -

I saw her see them,
screaming and angry

from her heart, she spoke
in cries
piercing and raw

in a language of strength and sorrow

She stood
They yelled
And she stood.

They touched her.
Eyes, wild, knives close.

And she stood.

In that moment, I realized

It was always just an illusion

she was never locked away
just forgotten

she had been with me all along

I had been carrying her
her sadness
her fear
her loss

dirty and still
I saw her

dirty and still
she moved

dirty and still
I was reminded

that we were always one.


In her cries, she opened
In my cries, I embraced her

our cries
washing away the dirt. washing away the still
to make room

for the light
to blast away the shadows

the static
to move

the locked door
to open

the people
the pitchforks
to still

I offered my heart in my hand
amid the chaos
amid the fear
amid the pain
amid the loss

and she took it

Walking away, hand in heart, heart in hand
we haven't let go

remembering the years she was locked away
never again will she be alone

it was just an illusion
to protect her
protect me

but she is me
I am her.

we were always one.

And this is how it began
the journey in finding our way back

to each other

to embracing the parts of ourselves in pain
in sadness
in fear
in loss

heart in hand, we walk, each day
growing deeper in step
toward an understanding of wholeness

that started in the heart




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